Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
