I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
