sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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