my vag is so smooth its legendary
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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