just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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