As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
