My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
