I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
