The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
