Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize