I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
