so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
