I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
