My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize