Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
