i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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