Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
