Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
