So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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