She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
