I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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