I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
