First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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