YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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