so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
PANTIES FOUND
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
