did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
