I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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