Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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