So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
