This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
