If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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