sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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