I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
