Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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