this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
