K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
