Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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