All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
