franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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