I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
