dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
