marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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