I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
