Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Randomize
