Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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