my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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