I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
