Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
