You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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