so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
