Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Text me some of your sweat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
