i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
