Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
