I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
