Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
