Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
