It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
