Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
