haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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