Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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