remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
