Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
