Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
