Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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