im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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