I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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