Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
