I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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